Lost in Thought

I’m not sure which form of communication I like better: writing or filming. I mean, I’ve pretty much figured out that I like using a lot of words, and I can use a lot of words in written blogs AND in video blogs. So I’m just not sure. My original career choice was to be a writer, because I’ve always liked to write, but then I haven’t always had a video camera. Once I got a video camera for Christmas I started using it and I really enjoyed using it, though I didn’t start trying it on just plain old me talking to the camera until a couple months ago. And I’ve discovered that I enjoy that almost as much as writing.

I write for one of the newspapers at my school, and I do that because I like to write. I don’t enjoy exclusively journalistic writing, per se, but I like the writing. I don’t think journalism is really something I want to go into as a career, but I’ve been planning to major in writing or at least English for several years. I feel like it would be a major betrayal to decide something different. I don’t know exactly what or who I would be betraying, other than myself. Can you even betray yourself? I mean, it’s you, and you have one self, and so you can’t really hurt yourself’s feelings. But I kind of feel like that’s what I’m going to do if I start looking into other career paths. Like I’d be cheating on myself.

Once I got a camera and started using it often, I began thinking that maybe filming was what I wanted to go into instead. But I keep doubting myself. I like writing, no, I love writing. I like the really informal style I’m using now, and I like writing fiction. I like writing a lot of different things if my voice can come out in any way. Maybe it’s because I don’t talk much otherwise, and so I use writing to do it. I can’t say I don’t do much verbal communication, because I can do a lot of that. It’s just that most people don’t see that side of me. I once saw this button that said, “People who don’t know me think I’m quiet. People who know me wish I was.” What I’m doing right now is a little product placement for my vlogs.

I really have no idea where I could end up. I just feel that I have to commit to something now; I have to figure this out now. I don’t really like to go into things without a plan, and going to college without a specific career choice in mind scares me, honestly. I mean, what about nursing? That pretty much has nothing to do with writing, or filming for that matter, but I feel bad for even considering other things. I mean, I don’t know the first thing about nursing, but I’m saying that I really have no idea what will happen to me. I could have some bizarre, life-changing experience in two months that could cause me to completely rethink my life and change course completely. I’m looking at WOU to major in English Writing, maybe minor in Film Studies. What if that changes? What if I suddenly decide I want to be a cop? What if I apply to a college and they accept me and I attend for a year or two years and realize that isn’t where I want to be?

Basically, July just started and I’m freaking out. I’m having a quarter-life crisis here. Hopefully seventeen years is less than a quarter of my life, but quarter-life sounded better than fifth-life. It’s okay to round every once in a while, though 68 and 85 is a bit of a difference when you’re talking life span. This is totally irrelevant. However, writing seems to be the most efficient form of communication available to me at this time, or at the least the one I’m most experienced in. Who knows? Maybe next year I’ll be spouting my life story on camera.